Day 18: Unsteady, But Getting Back on My Feet

Wow, did that post-migraine trip really screw me up! During my post-migraine phase, I craved coffee, chocolate and cheese. I managed to resist the cheese and chocolate, but overindulged in caffeine. I ate no fruit and very few veggies. Instead, I had two peanut butter sandwiches and later on two vegan burritos on whole wheat tortillas.

I was up very late last night because I went to my figure drawing group, which is a g0od thing, but I was so wired after it ended I ended up going to the movies by myself to see Star Trek. At 10:35 pm.

Now this morning I have had 3/4 of a pot of strong coffee and feel as though I am just one minor mental breakdown away from making myself an omelette, which would fill me with even more self-loathing.

*sigh*


So, what can I take away from all of this?


When I am stressed, whether it's from having a hard time with the girls, running around like crazy, or the physical rigors of the after-effects of a migraine or suffering from a lack of sleep, my food issues come to the fore. Those are the times that cravings set in hard, and when I would most likely binge.

Ok, I know what triggers this "behavior" or yearning, but how the hell do I stop it? Can I stop it? Is dealing with an eating disorder basically a lifetime of managing the cravings and obsessions? Is it like with alcoholics in which they are just one drink away from a relapse?

How frustrating, disappointing and downright scary.

Perhaps I need to find a strategy to deal with the stressful situations so that it does not reach the point of triggering a desire to binge or eat non-vegan foods, or once I reach that level of stress, redirecting my energies elsewhere in a helpful and healthy way.

God, this sucks.


On a related note, I saw a neurologist yesterday and have a brand-spanking new prescription for a migraine med, the sides effects of which are weight loss. Naturally, I all but got up and tap-danced around the exam room.

I ought to be more concerned about the health aspects of the drug that any dietetic side effect. I am wondering where my head is on all of this. I really think I have to start a solid meditation regimen to find my center and strenghten it. I am beginning to feel as though I am spinning around, being flown to bits, if that makes any sense.